Paw Prints

So much positivity just a few days ago seems to have evaporated rapidly.

The black dog is close and I am too weak to run.

How emo was that!

My mood swings are so epic you think it would be all the exercise I ever needed. It is so easy to slip into a pit of depression and focus on only the negative.

There are so many positives. Billions of lives I wouldn’t want to swap with that I feel such a fraud when in this mood.

Music is playing, food is cooking and I have the world at my fingertips it really should be more than enough.

It should…

Disconnected II

Red light on the router again today but unlike last week I was already feeling disconnected even when it was green.

Last few days I’ve been floating through my waking hours.

Distinct feelings of being an external observer of what my flesh is doing.

An all over numbness. Very disconcerting.

In the back of my mind, even whilst typing this, is how easily I could just drift away, take my foot of the gas and just coast downhill.

I won’t. The front of my mind is already searching for anchors somewhere firm to tether onto.

Meanwhile I float.

Breaking the shell.

Today is Easter Sunday. The significance of the day varies based upon upbringing and faith. Many millions will eat chocolate eggs have an extra special dinner and give little thought to any religious trappings and that is fine. It is the world we live in.

Personally I add a few more elements to the day.

In the Christian calendar today is of course the celebration of Jesus’ resurrection. 2000+ years ago he was nailed to a cross on a Friday for saying wouldn’t it be cool if we were all just a bit nicer to each other (Thanks H2G2) only to pop back up and yell ‘surprise suckers’ on the Sunday.

As with most Christian celebrations however it is important to remember they often replaced far more ancient observances. As Christianity was spread along Roman roads throughout the empire it needed to ‘sell’ itself.

‘Oy pagan!. You know that whole thing with worshipping the sun god well you’d better call it Christmas unless you want a bloody good kicking’

For Easter it was the ancient celebration of rebirth. A time when winter became spring and the earth renewed (resurrected). It is sometimes forgotten that the Jewish holiday of Passover falls around the same time each year (The last supper was the main Passover meal for Jesus and his fellow Jews). This is also a story of new beginnings. The exodus from Egypt and escape from slavery etc.

From earliest times the egg has not surprisingly symbolised new life, transformation and new beginnings.

I look at where my life is and examine the positives and negatives. I set myself goals and break out of any shells that confine me. I reaffirm the important connections that have sustained me.

Overall I look for new beginnings and new directions and let best chance of happiness be my compass.

*Hugs Tree*

I also eat a metric ton of chocolate.

Happy Easter.

Disconnected

The last 48 hours have been hell. Was I in a life and death fight or perhaps experiencing an emotional trauma. No the sad fact is all that happened was my ADSL went down.

In the early hours of Wednesday morning disaster struck a British Telecom exchange in Central London. A mixture of fire and flood wiped the place out (quite biblically).

When I awake I have something of a routine. I stagger out of bed and head towards the bathroom. As I pass my bank of machines I hit each power button and while I take care of the biologicals my windows on the world hum to life.

I return with clean teeth and a skip in my step at the meta day ahead (no really). Falling into my chair I turn on each monitor and prepare to ingest the world.

A cold shudder runs down my spine….

‘Email update failed’ ‘Downloads were stopped’ ‘Cannot Connect’

I cast my eyes down and see red lights on the router where there should be green.

Another shudder….

A small, surprisingly optimistic, voice in my head says ‘temporary glitch’ I reboot the router. Network. Wireless. Pause. 5 seconds RED! Damn!

I sit there and stare at the blasted thing assuming perhaps that an unwavering glare at the offending light would turn it the correct colour. It does not.

Back to bed. Up. Still red. Oh dear lord. Wave of nausea. I phone my ISP and hear a disturbingly sombre recording. ‘Major Outage’ ‘Flooded exchange’ ‘ETA 2 days’

Collapse.

My phone gave me a one way connection to twitter but that felt like shouting into the wind. Realising that DMs were also sent to my phone gave me some limited sustenance.

Then a word popped into my mind – Dial-Up.

I then discovered not one of my current machines has a modem installed. Ouch!

Visiting the cupboard of discarded tech I pulled out a dusty old laptop with a cracked screen and missing ‘L’ key. Like an alcoholic discovering a long lost bottle I actually cheered.

Since getting always on broadband I have actually missed the modem song as it connects. The beeps and bops and alarming thrums were like the creaking door opening onto a virtual world.

Sadly what was once a miracle is now like a slow painful death. Even the simplest web site crawls down the screen like virtual treacle.

It was, however, just enough to stop me slipping into the heart of darkness that is complete internet withdrawal.

Now all is back.

What have I learnt from this experience? That my dependence on a fast reliable internet goes core deep? Perhaps. Most of all though that the connections I have developed online are some of the most important connections in my life.

Now on to YOUTUBE!